Coast 2 Coast (aka: still in need of a snappy title)

New York: Law & Order might shoot at your house.

Los Angeles: The cast of Law & Order might shoot up at your house.

Winner: New York

Well Excuse Me Princess

A few reasons why spending friday night at home playing Zelda beats going to U.B. Swiggins for $3 carbombs:


• When you break stuff, you get money.

• You get to be a pirate without shanghaiing The Nantucket.

• As long as you don't hit save you can pretend that whole night never happened.

• The myriad skills you learn can be put to practical use. Later. When you're drunkenly shanghaiing The Nantucket.*



*or whatever ship it is that's 'berthed' in your town.

In Need of a Snappy Title: The First in a Series

Los Angeles: valet parking.


New York: alternate side of the street parking on days that are divisible by the sum of two squares.


Winner: Los Angeles

a midsummer night's ream*

tonight i saw a mack truck

basically folded in two

on the Southern State.



*no accounting for taste.

the last apartment i lived in:

• required me to walk for twenty minutes to reach the nearest subway.

• had a pool, but a lifeguard was under obligation to sit and watch it, even if you were the only one swimming.

• was right next to the Lyceé Français du New York and, as a result, was filled with French people who watched the French news in the gym when certain non-French stair-steppers were there first.

• kept under its employment a quixotic young porter who, despite his being younger than Starlet, asked her if she'd "started college yet". after further investigation, it was found out that they shared a birthday*. Starlet, the porter, and Michael Jackson.

• overlooked the East River, affording Starlet O'Hara a first-hand viewing of one of those police helicopter spotlight searches she's heard so much about.



Starlet: What's with the light show?

Doorman: They're looking for something.

Starlet: A dead body?

Doorman: Well, it is the East River.

Too true, doorman, too true.















*birth year notwithstanding