the last apartment i lived in:

• required me to walk for twenty minutes to reach the nearest subway.

• had a pool, but a lifeguard was under obligation to sit and watch it, even if you were the only one swimming.

• was right next to the Lyceé Français du New York and, as a result, was filled with French people who watched the French news in the gym when certain non-French stair-steppers were there first.

• kept under its employment a quixotic young porter who, despite his being younger than Starlet, asked her if she'd "started college yet". after further investigation, it was found out that they shared a birthday*. Starlet, the porter, and Michael Jackson.

• overlooked the East River, affording Starlet O'Hara a first-hand viewing of one of those police helicopter spotlight searches she's heard so much about.



Starlet: What's with the light show?

Doorman: They're looking for something.

Starlet: A dead body?

Doorman: Well, it is the East River.

Too true, doorman, too true.















*birth year notwithstanding